Question: Why is life so unfair? Why do shitty people not get cancer? Why do the "strong" people have to be challenged with cancer?
Answer: No one ever said that life would be easy. Shitty people will hopefully get what is coming to them. Karma is real. The last question I don't have an answer for.
Question: What is the new normal?
Answer: Living one day at a time.
For the Notes of Hope that is coming up in just over a week the theme is "The New Normal". We all know what it means. I am sure my non-cancer friends can relate just by having a baby. Not that I am comparing babies to cancer, but you get what I mean. What is the new normal for me? I can tell you, over the last two years, I feel like I have grown into the person that I hoped to be. I like the way I look. My hair is finally looking like it did before. I am 7 pounds away from being at my pre-cancer weight. I love being able to fit into my old jeans and get rid of the bigger ones. I love it! I have my issues like anyone else by letting the daily crap get to me. Getting dark this early really sucks!! Not a winter fan. I love the summer, I love to feel the sun beat down on my face. I love the warmth. A can't wait to go back to Hawaii. It truly where my heart is. I wish my family and friends could all move there.
Since June I really haven't been going through treatment, even though I take medicine everyday for my GVHD. It is getting better, FINALLY!!! It has been the long process that I didn't want to go through. But when they tell you that 80% of stem cell transplant patients get it. The odds are not in my favor. But hey, you have to go with the flow. I think I am doing a pretty good job of it.
Okay, it has been a really long time since I have written my thoughts. On Tuesday I went to see the acupuncturist and we were talking about when I was first diagnosed and what was going through my head. It has been two years since I started writing and I looked back to the posts and it is so true and I still remember like it was yesterday. My problem is that I really haven't processed it all out. I share most of my intimate feelings through writing but haven't dealt with the really dark days that I was in the hospital. The demons will eventually need to be dealt but not at this time. I will re-share what I was thinking about when it happened. First, what the hell? I couldn't be diagnosed with what Colin was diagnosed with. Second, I knew that my outcome would be different. Third, let's get this shit started. Plain and simple, I am not a complicated person. I like plans, I like having goals, I like order in my life. While this completely changed me, there was a schedule to stick to and I didn't have any problem with it. (Picture the little kid with his fist up saying"Let's do this") Love that picture.
When it comes to November, definitely the hardest month for me. I start to think about Colin on a daily basis and wonder what his life would be like if he was still alive. A soul that was taken too young. I know that we would still be a part of each other's lives. Just how I am. Last year, I did really well and didn't really have any depression, but this year, there has been too many deaths. I don't deal with it well. It makes me sad that the person has passed away but more sad for those that were left behind. I still remember what it was like to have my heartbroken. Literally felt like my heart was falling to pieces. The worst pain that you can feel. Nothing like external pain. I embrace the sad feelings, I have to process all my feeling and not let them build up. I don't need to be exploding on some poor person. Here we are November 6th, I get so angry at the world. It is going to be a tough month. I like to hear all the words of encouragement from everyone but at the same time, I am just processing everything out. It takes time to heal, ha. Stupid fortune cookie. I cared it around with me for years thinking that magically one day I would be healed, but life keeps on going and things always come up. I will get through this like I do every year.
Dreams, goals and happiness. What is the difference between dreams and goals. Goals are set to make things happen. Happiness comes every time I stare into Ross' eyes. Happiness is when he holding me. Happiness is my life with him. I am grateful for Ross, he is my rock. We have our goals set and it will happen. These are the things that keep me going. My dreams that turn into goals and while it happen the happiness comes.
I know this blog was a bit all over the place. Next time I will be more focused, I promise.
Until next time.
Hugs and Kisses,
Jenene
